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The Root of All Evil

July 6, 2009

It’s been found, one intrepid Red Eye reporter has finally exposed the source of Evil that plagues workers daily.

Office Snacks

I know, I see your fear, and I understand it.  For snacks of the office variety truly are that which leads us into sin.

Here are seven office snacks that contribute to your calorie count ranked in no particular order of evil…

Bran Muffin
Doughnut
Snickers Bar
Bagel
Cola
Chips
Pizza

The HORROR of a Bran Muffin.

So I was reading this article over someone’s shoulder on the train this morning, and I couldn’t help but think, did this reporter (or their editor) wake up one morning and decide that what society really needed was an article about what else we shouldn’t eat?  That lists a bunch of stuff everyone already thinks they shouldn’t eat anyway?

And you know what will make it really edgy?  We’ll use all kinds of religious language to make people feel additional guilt and horror at their own bad bad naughty actions what a great service to society we are doing today.  Providing possibly no new information, but a whole new influx of unnecessary guilt!

Not that the Red Eye is a bastion of amazing reporting or key news.  The red eye for those who don’t know is the free daily newspaper in Chicago that pretty much everyone who commutes via public transportation reads (or uses for the crossword/sudoku).  I don’t read it, because frankly I find it insulting.  There are usually twice as many pages devoted to sports as their are to world news.

But I must admit they do occasionally get it right.

I just can’t help but wonder why journalists feel the need to repeatedly report on stupid crap that everyone already knows without adding any new (or perhaps actually factual)  information?  Do they have some kind of “Make sure everyone in the US has messed up attitudes about food” quota they must fill each year?  And how can we get that abolished.

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8 Comments
  1. Ye gods, this article crawled up my sphincter. I was particularly fond of the fact that all the “burn notice” bits made sure to show that women should eat less, ’cause we always have to work harder to fend off those nasty calories!! Also, really loved the way exercise (including gardening!) was characterized not as something we might do anyway because it’s fun, but only something we might do as pennance for eating the fucking pizza.

    I usually avoid the RedEye (unless I’m in the mood for a crossword), but I was curious about what aspect of the “Fat Office” was worthy of making the cover. Shoulda known.

  2. When I saw the cover of the office geek holding a pastry with the look of guilt/fear on his face as I was coming in on the train this morning, I knew I really didn’t need to crack it open to know it was going to be a flowing fount of stupidity.

  3. The Red Eye is such a pile of shit. I saw a very pretty fat woman reading this issue on the train this morning and I wanted to snatch it out of her hand and tell her all about FA, or at least encourage her to read something a little more edifying in the morning.

    My shameful confession is that I was really happy that they didn’t put a fat, donut-eating woman on the cover. I don’t think I could have handled returning to work after a very necessary three day weekend AND feeling like everybody was checking out the Red Eye and they giving me the side eye with a little, “Hmmm… must have a lot of snacks in HER office” internal judgment thrown in.

    Fucking Red Eye.

  4. eli permalink

    You know, OTM, I recognise that your heart is in the right place, but, it’s about as insulting to assume that that pretty fat women doesn’t already know about FA or that she needs edification as it is to want to snatch a cupcake out of a fat person’s hand and talk to them about nutrition.

  5. I mean. She wanting to do something and realizing that doing it might be insulting isn’t the same as actually doing it.

  6. sioneve permalink

    Try to see it from the journalists’ perspective…slow news day…deadline approaching…I know I’ll write another story on fattening food – this time disguised as evils in the workplace!! Uncanny!

  7. Uhhh, yeah. But it is SO not a slow news day. They could have written about a billion other things that are going on right now. The G8 conference for instance, or unrest in Iran and Hondouras, or political maneuvering around health care or… y’know. ANYTHING ELSE ACTUALLY RELEVANT TO THE CONDITION OF THE WORLD.

    Now I don’t mind a little fluff, but please keep in mind that the pile of papers that some might call a “news paper” that I am discussing here is about 95% fluff.

  8. eli permalink

    I just mean, why make assumptions about this pretty fat woman’s inner life the exact same way that fat-haters make assumptions about us. This shit is bad enough without us doing it to each other, you know?

    Also I saw no sign that OTM realised that doing it might be insulting.

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