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I’m not F*ing sorry

September 11, 2009

There are a lot of people that I work with, am acquainted with, live near, am related to, or otherwise encounter to that I hate. Their behavior aggravates me, from their inability to preform the simplest task to their ridiculous opinions based on no knowledge at all, to their tendency to yell things across the street and listen to loud music with total disregard for the time.

I find, for me, the pattern often goes like this. For 100 days this person gets on my last nerve, I try to ignore it, be as nice as I can, smile, nod, pick up the slack, put up with the bs. Finally 101 days later, I’m tired, have PMS, Have been working hard, feel sick, or have a headache. When they start being patronizing or leaving empty vodka bottles on my lawn, or just being annoying in my general direction my ability to maintain professionalism or the veneer of niceness evaporates. Nice cuddly Shinobi is gone.

Suddenly I am an angry Ninja, and they are fucking prey. I call them out usually as nice as I can, or I confront them, or if neither one of those is possible I find some poor defenseless person and rant at them for at least 10 minutes.

And then I feel bad, I know socially I’m not supposed to be this upset. It’s not okay. I start to wonder why couldn’t I keep my temper that 1 more time, why did I have to go run to my support system to vent and make myself feel better. Even though it felt good at the time, and there were no negative consequences, I feel bad for it. Why did they upset me this time, it must be because of ABCXYZ that happend/is wrong today.

Or maybe it’s because they fucking suck.

I’m not advocating for behaving unprofessionally at work and putting ones job at risk or alienating people close to you by flying off the handle at the merest provocation. What I am saying is that sometimes it’s okay to not be nice, to get fucking angry. You can’t always vent your anger at the person who deserves it, but it’s okay to be mad.

I get angry sometimes, and I’m not fucking sorry.

I suppose there other questions here, WHY do I feel pressure to feel bad for getting angry? Is it midwestern? Female? Recovering Catholic? All three?

I don’t know. I’m just going to keep this quote in mind “Nice is different than good.”

Also, this:


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  1. Rebecca permalink

    Your problem is letting it go for so long. If you make a firm but gentle complaint, say, every other day, those 50 complaints will mean that you don’t have so much pressure on day 101 and you won’t blow your stack– you’ll just make complaint number 51.

    Also this method is more effective…. People will change their ways, or at least leave you alone, in order to stop the nagging.

  2. FeelinYa permalink

    You pretty much just described my life. TY!

  3. Fantine permalink

    I think this is very, very common with women. We’re supposed to be “nice.” We’re not supposed to get angry. We’re not supposed to be confrontational, not even if it’s deserved and not even if you have been hurt by something someone did. No one ever told me these things explicitly growing up; they were just things I learned from observation and from other people’s reactions to things that happened.

    I love Into the Woods! An excerpt from the Prologue puts this dilemma perfectly:

    Mother said be good,
    Father said be nice,
    that was always their advice
    So be nice, Cinderella,
    Good, Cinderella, nice good good nice
    What’s the good of being good
    if everyone is blind
    and you’re always left behind?
    Never mind, Cinderella, kind, Cinderella
    Nice good nice kind good nice…

  4. Rebecca, I am aware of that, but sometimes it is easier said than done. Plus a lot of the stuff people do that angers me isn’t always something you complain about.

    “Excuse me, I can’t help but notice that you are a complete moron. Do you think you could try to be slightly less stupid? kthnxbye”

  5. Fantine,
    Ooo good quote, I always forget about that part because I don’t like Cinderella as much.

  6. Fantine permalink

    Same here, Shinobi… Cinderella’s kind of whiny, gets everything handed to her through magic but is never happy. I would love to play the Baker’s Wife or the Witch if I ever got the chance!

  7. qbertina permalink

    I do not even have the words to affirm this post with sufficient force.

  8. Hope permalink

    “There are a lot of people that I work with, am acquainted with, live near, am related to, or otherwise encounter to that I hate.”

    This perfectly describes the way I feel about 50% of the time. It creates a lot of internal conflict for me because on the one hand expressing hatred is usually pretty counterproductive (also, I honestly believe that none of us create ourselves and no can help being who they are or doing what they do), but on the other hand, a lot of people (possibly even most) really do suck.

    Thanks for making me feel less alone.

  9. Heather#2(?) permalink

    My mom and I were just talking about this today! (well sort of this). I was saying how the whole “don’t sweat the small stuff” cliche is bullshit because it’s for the most part the small stuff that makes up the fabric of our lives and we’re least able to deal with. I think most people have pretty decent coping mechanisms for the once and awhile big stuff but the small stuff is death of a thousand papercuts and I’ve yet to find someone who has a good coping mechanism for that (plus we’re told that we shouldn’t really need to cope and whatnot). The problem usually is the person you’re ranting at sees it as an isolated event where you see it as a re-ocurring paisley in your life fabric.

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