I’m not F*ing sorry
There are a lot of people that I work with, am acquainted with, live near, am related to, or otherwise encounter to that I hate. Their behavior aggravates me, from their inability to preform the simplest task to their ridiculous opinions based on no knowledge at all, to their tendency to yell things across the street and listen to loud music with total disregard for the time.
I find, for me, the pattern often goes like this. For 100 days this person gets on my last nerve, I try to ignore it, be as nice as I can, smile, nod, pick up the slack, put up with the bs. Finally 101 days later, I’m tired, have PMS, Have been working hard, feel sick, or have a headache. When they start being patronizing or leaving empty vodka bottles on my lawn, or just being annoying in my general direction my ability to maintain professionalism or the veneer of niceness evaporates. Nice cuddly Shinobi is gone.
Suddenly I am an angry Ninja, and they are fucking prey. I call them out usually as nice as I can, or I confront them, or if neither one of those is possible I find some poor defenseless person and rant at them for at least 10 minutes.
And then I feel bad, I know socially I’m not supposed to be this upset. It’s not okay. I start to wonder why couldn’t I keep my temper that 1 more time, why did I have to go run to my support system to vent and make myself feel better. Even though it felt good at the time, and there were no negative consequences, I feel bad for it. Why did they upset me this time, it must be because of ABCXYZ that happend/is wrong today.
Or maybe it’s because they fucking suck.
I’m not advocating for behaving unprofessionally at work and putting ones job at risk or alienating people close to you by flying off the handle at the merest provocation. What I am saying is that sometimes it’s okay to not be nice, to get fucking angry. You can’t always vent your anger at the person who deserves it, but it’s okay to be mad.
I get angry sometimes, and I’m not fucking sorry.
I suppose there other questions here, WHY do I feel pressure to feel bad for getting angry? Is it midwestern? Female? Recovering Catholic? All three?
I don’t know. I’m just going to keep this quote in mind “Nice is different than good.”