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Tired

November 23, 2009

A month or so ago I was driving home from rehearsal for a show I was in and I was hit with a sudden wave of fatigue.

Not physical fatigue, but emotional fatigue.  I was tired of being the fat girl.

I was just suddenly so tired of being different, for once I wanted to be one of the cute girls with the bubbly personality who gets cast in some kind of romantic part in a show.  I wanted to wear a pretty costume, I wanted to go to Anne Taylor and buy clothes after rehearsal.  I wanted to fly on an airplane and not worry they were going to ask me to buy another seat.  I wanted to talk to people about why I think The Biggest Loser sucks without them thinking I should really be on it.  I just wanted to feel normal.

Of course, no one really feel’s normal. Normalcy is an illusion, an illusion from the media that “most” people are a certain way (white, thin, average height, able bodied, 2 parents 2.5 kids, etc).

In the end I’m lucky that the only things that make me different from that ridiculous concept of “normalcy” are my height and my weight.  And as tired as I am sometimes of having to work a little bit harder to feel good about myself I know in the end that it is worth it.

Sometimes I just wish I could take a little vacation?  Y’know?

 

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2 Comments
  1. nycivan permalink

    Sometimes I wonder about being thin too. I feel guilty sometimes for thinking these kind of thoughts, like I am betraying myself. I guess being gentle with myself is important. I know what I am, I’m fat. I spent almost my entire life hating myself for being what I am. I am so grateful I can let that go. I guess after a lifetime of buying into the lies about thin is good, thin is healthy, thin is better, I am going to hear the echos of all those years of negative self talk. I am so grateful for opportunities like this to connect with others who are part of my tribe.

  2. Blimp permalink

    Build the republic! The essence of an evil empire is the enforcement of mediocrity, a.k.a. “being normal”. To be “normal” means to worry about your weight, and brag about your weight if it’s in the fashionable range, and take the “obesity epidemic” seriously. If you do any of those things, you are no use to humanity; you’re just a mediocre asshole who does what the evil empire tells you to do.

    I hate this British Imperialist crap! It’s absolutely Un-American! Real American patriots don’t worry about anyone’s weight, nor list it as an accomplishment. Instead, they produce more and better food. Colonize the Moon and Mars. Be a good neighbor to the rest of the planet. Eliminate starvation and disease. Always exercise intellectual rigor; never let the pursuit of truth take a back seat to the desire for money, a favorable popular opinion, or the feeling provided by a premature claim to know something. Such is the pursuit of happiness.

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