A month or so ago I was driving home from rehearsal for a show I was in and I was hit with a sudden wave of fatigue.
Not physical fatigue, but emotional fatigue. I was tired of being the fat girl.
I was just suddenly so tired of being different, for once I wanted to be one of the cute girls with the bubbly personality who gets cast in some kind of romantic part in a show. I wanted to wear a pretty costume, I wanted to go to Anne Taylor and buy clothes after rehearsal. I wanted to fly on an airplane and not worry they were going to ask me to buy another seat. I wanted to talk to people about why I think The Biggest Loser sucks without them thinking I should really be on it. I just wanted to feel normal.
Of course, no one really feel’s normal. Normalcy is an illusion, an illusion from the media that “most” people are a certain way (white, thin, average height, able bodied, 2 parents 2.5 kids, etc).
In the end I’m lucky that the only things that make me different from that ridiculous concept of “normalcy” are my height and my weight. And as tired as I am sometimes of having to work a little bit harder to feel good about myself I know in the end that it is worth it.
Sometimes I just wish I could take a little vacation? Y’know?